Xenosexual
by ficsfrombelow
Summary: Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Alien Genitalia. Triptych. Citrusy. Dave/Terezi, Rose/Kanaya and one-sided Karkat/John... sort of. You can't blame them for being curious.
1. Him

**Disclaimer**: Homestuck does not belong to me. Never has and never will.

**A/N:** Uses my own headcanon for Troll anatomy. Not the one you usually see.

**Xenosexual**

* * *

**Him**

The _John Human_. It was all his fault. All the fault of that squish-headed, buck-toothed, thinkpan-rotted alien.

God, how Karkat hated him.

What? No, not like that! God, fuck, NO.

Karkat was completely not concupiscent for that alien. Oh god, that's disgusting. That would make him what, a xenophile? Ugh, he'd rather have his gallsphincter ripped out then go xeno for that pathetic little turdpile.

Karkat had been scrolling through the pathetic little turdpile's life, watching every moment with mounting disgust and dislike. Turdpile eating breakfast. Turdpile filing out papers. Turdpile talking on the phone. Turdpile getting into squabbles with the adult squatter that lived in his hive. Turdpile standing in front of some sort of load gaper-like device, removing his clothes and- whoa wait what?

Karkat did not want to see that. Having to look at the John Human _clothed_ was bad enough. He did _not_ want to have to wash the images of him _naked_ from out of his gander bulbs, no way in fuck.

But, well, he really had no idea what humans looked like under their clothes, and you can't blame him for being curious, even if it was a horrified kind of curiosity.

… ok, what the fuck was that? Some sort of vestigial leg? Oh, oh gross. Humans were much more disgusting than Karkat could have ever imagined.

Unless Karkat had humans completely backward, that white thing was definitely a load gaper. Which meant that the John Human was… oh gag him with a chitin plug, he was _pissing,_ wasn't he? Out of something that didn't even slightly resemble a nook. More like the alien had a fucking drinktube attached to him. Oh god, he had to actually hold his tube-nook to aim it and-

Shit. Karkat really was going to throw up. And not in the good way. This was a very very bad idea.

Karkat turned away from his computer, and took a few deep gasps, trying to calm down his heaving abdominal sack. Those disgusting aliens came from the universe they'd created? Ugh, good job with that one, Karkat. Good fucking job.

If such a thing was possible, Karkat hated the John Human even more than before.

* * *

_Later…_

Shit. It was pretty clear. Time to face the slam poetry. His first time talking with the alien, and Karkat had embarrassed himself completely and utterly.

It's just… he hated that John Human so much. SO MUCH. Deep down in his guts, he hated him. It made his blood boil, how much he hated the John Human. And yeah, ok, fuck it, maybe the hate was not as platonic as he'd at first assumed. And there he'd basically admitted it to the softskinned freak that he felt a little… caliginous. What a fucking idiot past-Karkat was.

Karkat flipped through the John Human's life, searching for a way to troll him so cuttingly, so devastatingly, that he wouldn't show his face in public for ten sweeps at least. But he was just getting himself more worked up.

It took only a few more minutes of practically snarling at the screen before his shame globes started acting up, and before Karkat realized what he was doing he was rubbing one of them through his shirt.

Fuck. Had anyone seen that? Karkat took a few deep breaths, closed his eyes, and pictured his Lusus. That usually was enough to calm him down before he started blushing or, god forbid, _sweating_. Karkat glanced at Equius in the corner. Nope. That's the last thing he needed right now.

Then, almost unbidden, the image of John's tube-nook floated into Karkat's mind's eye.

…Yep, that did it. Through force of sheer disgust, his shame globes calmed down.

Karkat took another breath. Well, at least the John Human was good for _something_.


	2. Her

**Disclaimer**: Homestuck does not belong to me. Never has and never will.

**A/N:** Uses my own headcanon for Troll anatomy. Not the one you usually see.

**Xenosexual**

* * *

**Her**

"So," Rose said one evening, already three glasses deep. "When are you going to tell me what you've got under your clothes?"

Kanaya choked on her grubloaf, a meal long alchemized over and over from the original foodstuffs brought in by the Alternians. Sometimes Kanaya wondered whether its lack of taste had more to do with the many times it had been alchemized, or with the fact that blood was just so much _better_.

After recovering, Kanaya paused to consider the human's words. "Rose… are you implying that you wish to move to a more concupiscent phase of our relationship?"

"You cannot blame me for being curious," Rose smiled. "I continually hear references to such exotic reproductive paraphernalia as filial pails and mother grubs, and I suppose I want to learn about how it all… fits together." She interlaced her fingers illustratively.

Kanaya glanced around, blushing, and was relieved to see that no one else was around. "I'm certain that we've covered this before, Rose. The drones collect genetic material in filial pails for the mother grub, from both Kismesissitudes and Matespritships. This material is combined by the Mother Grub in an incestuous-"

Rose waved her had dismissively. "Yes, yes. But what about the Kismesisses and Matesprits?"

"Well… they… they need to produce the genetic material requested by the drones-"

"And you never… 'produce genetic material'… otherwise...?"

"We _can_, but-"

"And do you…. _enjoy_ doing so?"

"Well… yes, but again, it's quite exhausting to do so."

Rose leaned over and kissed Kanaya, who sighed through her nose, enjoying the alien's soft lips on her own.

"Then let's try this now, before I get too drunk," Rose whispered, voice husky. "Since you may need to rest afterwards."

Kanaya opened her mouth to say something about hasty decisions, but her heart was thumping crazily behind her ribs, and her rumble spheres were tingling almost as intently. And when she parted her lips, Rose _slipped her tongue in_.

Oh god, Kanaya was not ready to pail, and especially not all over their dining table. But… oh, it did feel so nice, and Kanaya let Rose explore the inside of her mouth a bit, but prepared herself to pull away if Rose went all the way back. Thankfully, she didn't, and after a moment, she used her own tongue, mimicking Rose in not probing too far.

It felt like a long time before they separated. Rose was smiling wryly, eyes shining. And Kanaya found that she was grinning, too. "Alright," the troll said, and kissed Rose on the tip of her nose. "But not here."

Kanaya was a little hesitant to pail fully without proper implements, but she figured that the load gaper they had attached to a teleporter to serve as an ablution room would work as well as anything.

"The _bathroom?_" Rose exclaimed when they walked in, and started to laugh loudly and unabashedly, the way she only did when she was tipsy. "I was under the impression we were going to the bedroom!"

"Why would we go to the bedroom?" Kanaya asked, puzzled.

"In human culture, bathrooms are not considered particularly romantic, while bedrooms are." Rose grinned cheekily. "Is this different on Alternia?"

"Ablution rooms are functional for concupiscent purposes," murmured Kanaya, shaking her head at the thought of pailing in a bedroom. Why would a troll put their possessions at risk of damage and staining? "But if you wish to go elsewhere…"

Rose giggled. "Oh, no! This is quite interesting. I am fascinated, truly."

Kanaya took some towels (originally alchemized from Equius' but thoroughly cleaned) and lay them on the floor, kneeling on one of them. Rose watched her with interest.

"Now what?" the human asked, a hand lifted to cover her amused smile.

Kanaya, by now, was blushing furiously. "I am not entirely clear on every detail in regards to coupling. I have only ever… coupled… with myself."

Rose walked behind Kanaya, and put her hands on the troll's shoulders, rubbing them slowly. When she spoke, the husky tone was back, and Kanaya shivered.

"Then show me what you do."

Kanaya put one hand on Rose's, and with her other began lifting up her shirt, then let go of Rose to unhook her brassiere. She turned to face Rose and began rubbing her own breasts, squeezing the nipples between her fingers. Except… when Rose peeked closer, she could see the nipples were different from human ones. They were darkened swellings, but didn't seem to have anything that could be identified as a teat.

Kanaya's eyes were half-lidded, and she was looking at Rose, smiling gently. Kanaya was rubbing her entire chest, fingers prodding the nipples and then moving out to the outside of the breast, and occasionally stroking her throat. She sighed, and leaned her neck back, closing her eyes and laying one hand on her neck as she attended her breasts with the other.

Rose's stomach fluttered, and she asked, "May I touch you, Kanaya?"

Kanaya opened her eyes, and nodded, her lips curving upward. Rose lay one hand on Kanaya's breast, then began massaging it, the same way Kanaya had. But she felt that the position was impersonal, as though she was poking a scientific specimen, so she turned to sit next to Kanaya, and put one arm around her shoulder to fondle her.

"This alright?" the human asked.

"Oh, goodness, yesss," replied Kanaya, drawing out the sibilant 's.' The troll's skin was glistening with greenish perspiration, and Rose was getting it on her hands and clothes. Still, she knew the godhood was self-cleaning, so didn't mind too much.

On impulse, Rose leaned in and kissed Kanaya's cheek, and found it tasted salty, just like human sweat would. When Kanaya let out a little "mm!" of appreciation, Rose began planting light kisses all over Kanaya's face and neck.

Kanaya reached one hand back and stroked Rose's cheek, and looked up to meet the human's gaze, eyes dark with lust. Rose leaned in to kiss her matesprit, who kissed back eagerly, nibbling Rose's lip and stroking Rose's tongue with her own.

Rose moaned into the kiss, as turned on by seeing Kanaya so turned on as anything else, and Kanaya made a noise like a choke.

Rose pulled back, alarmed by the noise. Kanaya's muscles were tense, her mouth open, panting, her hands shaking. She mouthed the word 'please,' and Rose, thinking she understood, reached down to pull down Kanaya's skirt. But Kanaya shook her head vehemently, and then, to Rose's shock, leaned over the toilet, reached her hand far back into her mouth, down her throat, and vomited what seemed like a tremendous amount of pale green swill into the bowl.

Rose stared, shocked, but held back Kanaya's hair as she heaved, then supported her as she sat on the floor heavily, gasping for air.

"Kanaya?" Rose asked, concerned. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, Rose," Kanaya murmured, and leaned into Rose's shoulder. "More than all right. That was wonderful." She opened her eyes and looked up at Rose. "I only regret that you, who initiated this encounter, did not get to finish as well."

"Finish?" replied Rose. "You mean… oh. Ah. I see." She paused for a moment, filing away that knowledge for future examination. Then, she smiled. "Well, we can fix that."

"Indeed we can." Kanaya ran a thumb along the side of Rose's throat. "If I may be so bold."

Rose grinned a little wryly. "We humans are a little different, though."

"Oh? I had assumed as much, when you attempted to take off my skirt. What was that for?"

Rose bit her lip, then hitched up her robes. "Let me show you…"


	3. Them

**Disclaimer**: Homestuck does not belong to me. Never has and never will.

**A/N:** Uses my own headcanon for Troll anatomy. Not the one you usually see.

**Xenosexual**

* * *

**Them**

Dave reclined on the couch, feet propped up on the armrest, reading a book that Rose had alchemized. It was some sort of biography of some troll dude who invented some sort of weapon or some shit. They'd first alchemized it in Alternian, and only after a great deal of effort had Rose managed to alchemize an English version. Why she couldn't just ask one of the _Alternians_ to translate it for her was beyond Dave's ability to understand. Maybe she'd just wanted a challenge.

Dave flipped the page.

God, he was bored out of his _mind_.

The door to his room opened with a click, and seeing as how only two people knew the password to get into his room on this asteroid, and only one of them tapped on the ground as she went, it could only be Terezi. Dave didn't look at her, instead pretending to be deeply engrossed in the book, and listened as she walked around the room.

After a few seconds, she began humming some tuneless Alternian melody, a sound punctuated by the tap-tap-tap of her cane. He continued to ignore her, until he heard her voice, coming from directly behind him.

"Dave."

Dave didn't so much as twitch.

"Daaaaaaave. _Dave_." Terezi leaned forward so that her face was upside-down in front of him and blocking his view. "Dave. You're not asleep."

"Terezi," acknowledged Dave, and frowned. "Can't you smell that I am _deeply_ engaged in this work of riveting literature?"

"I can smell that you are being deeply sarcastic," said Terezi, flashing a shark-toothed grin. She moved around to his side and licked the cover of the book. She grinned "_A Complete History of the Incendiary Device. _Sounds reeeeeeal riveting."

"Yes, it is. Riveting. So incredibly fucking riveting that I've actually been mechanically fastened to the couch. You'll need an industrial-strength pneumatic drill to get me out of this shit."

Terezi snorted, and stood up.

Not moving his gaze away from the text, Dave listened as she tapped her way around to his feet. The next thing he knew, something warm and wet was lapping against his feet.

"Gahaha!" yelled Dave, and looked under the book to see Terezi slobbering her tongue all over his soles. "Stop, I-" He puffed his cheeks out, and his eyes bulged behind his sunglasses.

"What's that?" asked Terezi. "You're not _ticklish,_ are you, coolkid?" She leaned down, and started lightly licking his toes.

"Terezi…! nnnnggggghhhahahahahahahaha!"

Terezi giggled, and continued to nibble at her matesprit's feet as he kicked and writhed at the torment.

"No! No-o-o hahahaa Terezi I mean i-i-it! Ahahahahaa! _I mean it!_"

"Stop kicking, Dave! You'll break my sunglasses!"

Terezi climbed over the bolster and onto Dave's prone body, grabbing his shirt, hiking it up, and blowing a gigantic raspberry onto Dave's stomach. The human shrieked until he was breathless with laughter.

Hearing this, Terezi stopped, and let Dave recover, gasping. She grinned, still lying on top of him.

"Hey, Dave," she said, after he'd been given a few moments to catch his breath. "Do you wanna have sex?"

Dave tossed aside the book, which he'd still been holding onto with one hand. "Hell yeah."

Terezi's eyebrows flew up into her bangs. "Really?"

Dave propped himself up with one arm. He could feel one of Terezi's thighs lying on top of his groin. "Yeah, really. You think I would fuck around with you like that?"

"Probably." But now one of Terezi's hands had gone up under Dave's shirt, and was squeezing his nipple.

In the next flurry of movements, the both of them were topless. Dave was relieved, more than he'd be willing to admit, to see that Terezi's breasts, while small, were basically normal-looking. Well, they didn't have regular nipples, just these funky dark circles, but at least they didn't have spikes or squirt acid, as far as he could tell.

He hadn't had much time to register that, however, what with Terezi straddling his hips, her tongue and lips all over his face and her fingers digging almost painfully hard into his pecs. It wasn't the first time she'd licked his face, by far, but now she was nibbling, licking, kissing, and sucking, and most of the remaining thoughts Dave had managed to hold on to flew out of his mind.

The troll lightly sucked Dave's lower lip, and he groaned. Then, she snatched his sunglasses off.

"Aw, hey-"

"I wanna lick your eyeballs!"

"No eyeball licking. I draw the line at eyeballs. Why, is that a sexy thing for trolls?"

"It's a sexy thing for _me_."

"Come on, Terezi."

"Fine. But look, I'll take off mine too." And she did.

Dave looked up into Terezi's blank red eyes, then grabbed her and pulled her back down into a kiss. "Sure, just don't expect me to lick them."

After making out for what he estimated to be a generous period of time, Dave tried sticking one hand down the front of Terezi's pants.

"Huh?" Terezi lifted her head, and burst out into laughter. "What are you _doing_?"

"Second base," replied Dave. "Is that problem?"

"What's second base?"

"Manual intercourse. Fingering. Mutual masturbation."

"Yeah, but why are you putting your hand in my pants? Is that a sexy thing for humans?"

Dave paused for a fraction of a second. "You mean it _isn't_ a sexy thing for trolls?"

"Uh, no?" Terezi smirked. "I miiiiiight be willing to get smeared, but you'll have to let me lick your eyeballs first."

Dave frowned. "Huh. I think we're having a cultural misunderstanding. See, for humans, 'sex' means more than just making out. Usually, it means fucking."

"Fucking… fucking what? What do you mean?"

"What. You guys say 'fuck' all the time!"

Terezi screwed her mouth to the side. "Yeah, sure. So humans like to swear when you have sex?"

"Oh my god. I can't fucking believe this." Dave sat up and stared at his alien girlfriend. "You don't know what the word means. Oh my god." Dave made a circle with one hand, and poked his finger into the circle with the other. "Fucking. Dicks. Vaginas. Sex."

Terezi frowned. "What are you talking about, Dave? I was following you up until right there."

"Shit, don't make me… aw, shit. You gotta be kidding me." Dave gestured at Terezi. "Okay, how to _trolls_ have sex?"

"Just like we _were!_ I don't see the problem here, Dave. Stopping like this to debate the definition of 'sex' is really killing my rumble."

"Your-"

Terezi cupped her breasts in her hands and jiggled them. "My ruuuuuuuuuumble. Like when your shame globes act up. Don't you know anything about girls?"

"Shit, I thought I did."

For a few moments, the two of them sat there in awkward silence.

"So," started Dave.

"So," replied Terezi.

"We can make out more, if you want."

"Eh, it's okay. I was getting close to pailing anyway, and I didn't want to get slurry all over your couch."

"I'll just take that at face value, then. Slurry all over my couch. Okay."

Dave paused, and Terezi interjected; "So what is a 'dicks vaginas'?" Dave snorted with surprise, and Terezi laughed. "You can't blame me for being curious, Dave!"

"They're human genitals. And those two different things. Dicks. Vaginas."

"Show them to me."

Dave smirked. "I can meet you halfway. Human males have dicks. Human females have vaginas."

"Heh, that's fair. Show me your dicks then."

_I'll show you mine if you show me yours,_ Dave thought, and his smirk grew wider. He had a notion he knew where this was going.

"You're kidding!" cried Terezi, sounding delighted, as Dave took off his pants. "Your dicks are where your nook should be? That is _so nasty!_ Hahahahaha!"

"Yeah, it's pretty sick. But it works well enough," said Dave.

Terezi placed her hand on Dave's bare groin. "Humans are gross," she said, grinning widely. She leaned in. "I like it."

Ignoring a flutter of nervousness, Dave leaned his head back, letting out a long, hissing breath. Terezi's tounge was warm and slightly scratchy, and god damn did it feel amazing. "Aw, yeah," he whispered.

"Dave, are your dicks supposed to move?"

"Ahn. Yeah. They dance around."

"Heh heh. Just making sure." She flicked the erection with a finger, and Dave jumped.

Terezi grinned. "Sensitive, huh?" She leaned in to nibble it.

Dave saw a shard of light glint off of her exposed teeth, and felt a sudden stab of trepidation. "Hey now, I want to keep that part of me _attached_, if that's not too much to ask from Miss Troll?"

"I'll be careful." But her voice had too much of a mischievous tone for Dave's tastes.

"Sensitive, Terezi."

"But you let me _kiss_ you. What's the difference?"

Dave leaned down and took her face in his hands, kissing her again. He imagined he could taste himself on her. "No biting. But try… try stroking the base."

He wasn't long, after that, and warned Terezi a moment before he came. But he wasn't exactly in a rational frame of mind, and shouting "I'm coming!" at Terezi only got him a puzzled expression.

"Oh," gasped Dave, once the shocks had faded. "Oops. I guess I should have said 'I'm pailing.' That's a correct use of the term, right?"

"Huh." Terezi licked her cheek, where Dave had splashed. "Kinda salty. I was hoping you'd taste like your color." She wiped off the rest with Dave's discarded, self-cleaning godhood. "That wasn't very much."

"Gimme a break," grumbled Dave. "I've already jerked off twice today."

Terezi laughed. "That sounds dirty. But now I see why you don't use pails. You'd barely even need a teacup for that."

"Do trolls really come that much?"

Terezi shrugged. "More than _that_. And my rumble spheres are kind of small."

"Damn."

There was a pause, and Dave leaned back and closed his eyes, basking in the afterglow. He nearly fell asleep, when Terezi interrupted.

"Now, Dave, in the interests of fairness, and equity, and all that…" Terezi opened her mouth as wide as she could (which was unnaturally wide, if you asked Dave), and pointed down her throat. "Oo ee aah?"

Dave blinked. "What?"

Terezi closed her mouth for a moment. "Did you see that? The lump in the back?"

She opened again, and Dave peered down Terezi's throat. She had no uvula or tonsils as far as he could see, but there was a funny looking bump on the far side of her throat, about the size of an almond.

"Seed flap," said Terezi, once she was satisfied that Dave had seen. "And the bone bulge underneath. When _I_ pail, that's what gets 'sensitive.' Think you can make that work?"

Dave grinned widely. "Definitely. And you know what, I think that as long as you don't bite, we can make that work just perfectly…"


End file.
